Well, gather 'round, folks, because we've got a front-row seat to the circus that is Capitol Hill. It's like a soap opera, but with less charm and more elbowing.
I'm sure you saw that Kevin McCarthy and Tim Burchett decided to settle their differences in the most mature way possible – a good ol' elbow to the kidney. Nothing says "leadership" like a WWE move in the hallowed halls of Congress.
"You elbowed me!"
"I did not," says Kevin with a grin that screams, "I've been practicing this in front of the mirror."
And let's not forget the riveting dialogue that followed. It's like a Shakespearean tragedy if Shakespeare wrote for a kindergarten class.
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did! I'm tellin' mom!"
Bravo, gentlemen. Pot, meet kettle.
But wait, there's more! According to Adam Kinzinger, who has personally been the brunt of McCarthy's pushing and shoving, it seems McCarthy has a history of under-the-table tactics. Shoulder-butting, elbowing – is this Congress or a schoolyard brawl? The Pulitzer for Drama is surely on its way.
And then we have Markwayne Mullin, the former MMA fighter turned congressman, who thinks the best way to solve political disputes is to challenge people to a physical showdown. Forget debates; let's settle this in the octagon. "You stand your butt up." Really? Is this a congressional hearing or a UFC press conference?
Mullin defended his actions by insisting he was representing Oklahoma values. People, I'm from Oklahoma and these aren't the values I was taught. If I'd behaved this way in school, you know the drill. Paddle at school. Paddle at home. No excuses. Maybe we should bring corporal punishment to Capitol Hill?
Mullin, in all his wisdom, cited examples of violence in American politics, including the caning of anti-slavery Senator Charles Sumner in 1856 and President Andrew Jackson's notorious duels. He suggests bringing back canings and fights on the Senate floor. Because who needs policies when you can settle things with a good beating? Forget progress; let's go back to the glory days of Andrew Jackson, where brutish behavior was the name of the game.
In the midst of all this, we can't help but wonder: Where are the dignified, prideful stewards of our nation? Where's Jimmie Stewart when you need him? Forget McCarthy and Mullin; let's vote Mr. Smith for President. Maybe he can bring some sanity back to this three-ring circus.